Sunday, October 24, 2010

This ain't no lovegame, honey

i am not second best.
i am not the last resort.
i will not be here for you whenever you feel you want me around.
i will not be your consolation prize.

i know who i am and what i'm about.
i love me.
i know my worth.
i know that i have a lot to offer; and believe me baby: i am willing and available to offer.
but you will work for it, it isn't given freely.
and you will earn it, just as i will earn you in return.
are you worthy of my heart, my mind, and my whole being?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Greenest Fields I Knew

it's funny to look back and know that i now live in texas. the place that i loved vacationing to and never wanted to leave... the field that was always greener because it was a fence i could never climb. but now being here, it seems that it's changed so much since i last visited. and in the 2 months that i've been here i've met a lot more bullshitters, death dealers, and undertakers than i ever have when i lived in and around philly.

yet, i continue to try. "why?", you might ask. because i'm playing out the hands that i'm dealt in the best way i know how. and because i will not allow you to bring me down, nor keep me from rising above.

not everyone has been bad, though. there've been a few lights amongst the darkness, and they tend to keep me going. it's almost like they become my "patronas charms" against the shadows and the secrets. I don't want to hear any excuses, and I'm done with the bullshit & the lies. I am finding my happiness with or without you. I am living my life with or without you.

i see my future and i am working and reaching for it. do you want to reach for it with me?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

We have to give them hope! -Harvey Milk

this is our chance to help others like us. luckily, i had The Attic Youth Center and all my friends there to turn to whenever i needed help and hope. but these kids don't. they're growing up in a world where anything that's disliked for one reason or another is "gay"... "can you believe they suspended me?" "that's so gay!"

one of my nephews used to say "that's gay" to almost everything he didn't like. it's a good thing i have a great sense of humor that i can take it and realize that he has no clue what he's talking about. but me being here will also teach them that it'd perfectly normal to be gay. that we're (for the most part) just like everyone else. that we can have friends, and a social life, and family. and that just because you don't like something, or don't agree with it, doesn't mean it's gay. it's up to me and my sister to teach them that being gay isn't anything negative, isn't anything different.

There is a statistic that states "9 out of 10 gay teens experience bullying and harassment at school and are four times likelier to attempt suicide." i guess i lucked out to be one of the 1% who escaped the bullying and harassment. even though i went to an all boys catholic highschool for 2 years and then a public school for the remaining 2. part of what makes me lucky, i guess, is that both were located in/around philadelphia. but also, i think, is because i was also intimidating. i was really big for my age; both height, bonestructure, and body size. 

all i can tell you is that it truly does get better. there is a slew of gay men and women already ahead of you trying to pave your way to a better future. we have been there before, and there are more of us around than you might know. i also know right now you're probably feeling isolated, scared, and confused. bullying or not, it's never fun trying to figure out where you fit in in this world. there are so many different venues for you to turn to for help, or even just to talk and get things off your chest.

to all of those, past and present, who have chosen to end their lives, and to all you in the future who might do the same, because of bullying, i, too, wish i could have told you that it does get better. and that there is someone (or a group of someones) out there who is there to help you. in your darkest despair, there is always a glimmer of hope. and it us, the older generations of gay men and women, who are sparkling in your night.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Call for Affirmative Action, Not Parades

i forgoed the pride parade in dallas this year. i have only been to one pride parade my entire life, and that was the first year i came out...i was 15. pride parade is pointless, in my opinion. everyone thinks that the more we throw it in "their" faces, the more we'll be accepted. but look at how we act during the parade! mostly naked men showing off more than they need/should down public streets, queens in shock drag w/ huge tits or acting like tweaked out fools, and public lewdness.

that isn't normal. that isn't everyday society. yes, we see the same shit going on amongst heterosexuals; but again, we know that that isn't the whole community by and large. however, this is the only image "we" project, because that's all "we" know how to do, and sadly, that's all a lot of "us" care about! yes, i party and i love doing it. for me, it's all about having fun. it's not about being wasted, or getting fucked up, or trying this new drug while getting lost in the music at the hottest bar in town. and i don't act like a fool out in public when entering or leaving the bar/club. where is our sense of tact?

i know the whole reason why the pride parade started and that now it's just tradition. but constantly throwing all of that in the publics' face does not show them that we are, in fact, "normal" people. it shows them that we're freaks. that all we do is party and fuck. it tells them we don't know how to act responsibly because even here, in the city streets, in broad daylight, for the entire world to see, that's the only thing we can do? isn't there already enough of that in the media about us? is that the reason we have a parade, so we have an excuse to do the aforementioned for the world to see?

perhaps, though, it's time that we, as a community, change. we need to learn some decorum and project the image that we really want to be seen. that we can still party like everyone else, but yet also know how to be civilized and appropriate. instead of dumping all that time, money, and effort into the parade debaucle, why can't we do something constructive? let's surround city halls nationwide again. do something for the community at large, not just for us. hold major benefits and galas instead of white parties, red parties, and fuck fests.

i implore us, the homosexual community, to get up and do something. be progressive, not deviant. only when we work together for progress and equality will we achieve victory. instead of parading, proclaim! instead of debauchery, declare!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Glitz and Glitter and Glamour, OH MY!

while i'm glad and thankful that i have a job, and even more grateful that i really like it, i'm already not looking forward to the holidays. or should that be holidaze? just as i started working, they stocked halloween items and goodies. a week later we started stocking thanksgiving-themed items: turkey tealight holders, turkey-embroidered pot holders and dishrags/clothes, pumpkin this and ginger+molasses that.

and now christmas. we'll have every ornament that my employer chooses to stock AVAILABLE on the sales floor and loaded up in our stockroom by october 6th. yes...halloween and thanksgiving won't even have arrived and we're stocking christmas. i guess we're not as bad as hobby lobby (and some other places), though, who've already been fully stocked for christmas (trees, lights, bells bobs and ornaments, too) since early august.

anywho, we're missing the point of this post. this post is all about today's culture. everything has to be more glitzy, more glittered, and more glamorous than the last person/holiday/year. whatever happened to elegance in simplicity? scale back your decorating and your design, spend more money on good-quality items instead of a large quantity of junk, and pick a color-scheme and stick to it.

whatever happened to simply elegant? design (and creativity) is all about being able to make something from nothing, or next to nothing. glitter, when used very sparingly, can accentuate something you normally wouldn't notice. a little glitz can ensnare the eye and draw you in.

but aside from all that... does anyone know why we have certain holidays anymore? why we have halloween, christmas, easter? none of them have anything to do with jesus or the devil, so what's your next guess? and even if halloween had anything to do with the devil, why the hell would most christians even think about letting their kids dress up for it?!

lets get with the program, people. stop being sheep, following what all the labels are doing, and start thinking for yourselves.

  • why are there reindeer at christmas? 
  • why is there red and white anything at that time? 
  • why're there chocolate bunnies and eggs for easter??
  • and where did the friggin easter bunny come from!? did mary do something the bible didn't tell us about??
i'm getting down off my soapbox now.

until next time, loyal readers. all 3 of you... HAHA

Friday, September 17, 2010

L'oiseau en cage "Espoir" (the caged bird "hope")


Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul, 
And sings the tune--without the words, 
And never stops at all.

And sweetest in the gale is heard; 
And sore must be the storm 
That could abash the little bird 
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, 
And on the strangest sea; 
Yet, never, in extremity, 
It asked a crumb of me.

                                                                ---Emily Dickinson            

I absolutely love this poem. it reminds me of why the caged bird sings. so often i have felt that i was the caged bird. and that i alsways hope(d) against hope. 

there are only 3 things that are ever ours which no one can take away; they are our own individual hopes, emotions, and thoughts.

but this little birdie is spreading his wings. though he might fall at first, nonetheless he must try and try again. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

has my time come?

i feel totally and utterly betrayed. last night i started to think maybe there really might have been something... however, not long after thinking it, i was given proof that there really isn't.

i feel like such a fucking idiot anymore. i feel like all i do is waste my time trying. again, i am reminded that after all the effort i make in trying to put humpty together again, it leaves me nowhere but alone and exhausted.

the energy i've put into helping to build you up...showing you how much you really do have to offer, and that i'm not out to fuck you over like everyone else you've ever met, you start getting close to start hinting with me at some of the things i want... and then you let some random stranger go where you tell me no one ever goes!? that is the BIGGEST slap in the fucking face.

should i try to be my usual understanding self because...what, you were drunk? how does that all of a sudden make you less responsible for your actions? am i one of the very few people who, while sober or drunk especially, still adheres to a method of conduct that is becoming of a human being? i choose my words more carefully... i process my thoughts a little more slowly before i open my mouth. i think further ahead with my anticipated actions than i normally would. why? because "sorry, i was drunk/high" is not an acceptable excuse!

when will it be my turn to have someone invest as much into me as i will for them? will it be when i'm old and decrepit? will it be when i'm too jaded and bitter to enjoy it? every sign is flashing, telling me to stop. stop doing what i do best... can you give me one reason why i should continue on doing it?

do i expect too much in thinking i should be treated like a king in return for making the man i'm with mine? alls i got to say is, the man i truly give myself to again, body, mind, soul, and future, will be a very happy, and a very lucky man.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Pa pa pa pa poker face pa pa pokerface.

i feel alone tonight. not because i'm actually alone (well, the kids are sleeping in their momm'as room, momma's out right now)...

a friend of mine started helping me work through some things just recently. i was surprised at how forthcoming i was with certain information; and also at how much i learned about myself in just that instant. i had finally verbalized and saw everything that happened recently and in the past few years, all at once. laid out. chronologically. it's a wonder that i haven't succumbed by now.

he was amazed by certain things... he can see energy just like the rest of us can see our hands as we type on the keyboard in front of the rest of us can read the text we're typing on the screen. it's there. he see's where it comes from and where it's going. he saw that 2 of my 3 major centers were damn near shut down. and that the last of the main centers was overcompensating. what amazed him was how i was able to still function. how i was able to open up, smile, laugh, be the life of the party when i want/need to be. how i'm able to even hold myself together. and and that right there opened me up to a lot of new information.

i also realized one thing. i am tired of being the one to put everyone else back together. i am in a thousand different pieces (and have been for a long time), but as soon as someone's around, i pull myself together and harness unfathomable energy in order to 1. keep on keeping on, and 2. make it so that you can't see through my that you can't read my pokerface. i have said it a million times over again that no one will ever truly know me...and that's because i make it so.

instead of investing in myself, loving (hell, even liking) myself, i am always finding these broken spirits, the shattered hearts, the hurt puppies, and putting them together. they're humpty dumpty and i'm the king's men. part of me validates my life by thinking/feeling/knowing that "in lieu all the shit i've ever been through, i've made it through it all and learned enough to be able to help another." with that thought, immediately, all of my suffering is justified. they, in turn, fall for me a little bit and stick around long enough until they're put back together, can hold themselves together on their own, and can function...then they leave and i'm then left to pick up my pieces again.

but now it's time to fix myself. to really allow my true inner self to shine forth and live. i have so - much living to do. and while i started doing just that when i first moved here, i got a little distracted along the way. it's time to find my light...the light i lost a long time ago.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

You really think you're in control?

come on now, who do you... who do you, who do you, who do you think you are? HAHAHA! bless your soul. you really think you're in control?

i find it funny that people think i'm at their mercy. regardless of the situation, i am never stranded. i am never beat. i may be stuck for a hot second, but bay-bay: i can fend for myself. i have done it for years, and this just proves that i'm'a have to continue doing it for a while longer, too. i'm not there because i need you. i am there because i either want to be, or because i want you. 

now, i value our friendship very much. but this...back and forth bit?'s gotta stop. you're older...yes. wiser...about some things. but for what it's worth, honey, i had to grow up on my own; i figured shit out on my own; found me on my own. we need to stop tryin each other.  

i get it that you've got a lot of stuff going on that you need to figure out. and i also know that there's going to be a lot of blame passed onto me. but you also need to realize that even after everything that's happened, i still had to continue living my life. part of living life is seeing/finding something/someone you want and going after it/them. please don't hold it against me because you're in a situation where you felt you couldn't do the same. each of us has to live our own life, make our own choices, and live with the outcome of those choices. 


And now, for your audial and visual pleasures...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Know that I must must pass this test

with the help of a not-so-strange-acquaintance over in dallas, i've come to realize something. something that shatters me to the core, but paves the way for me to rebuild.

and that is... that i have so rarely ever in my life felt wanted, that it's become the root-cause of my "problem" in this lifetime. and it's becoming more and more apparent the longer i'm in texas.

sean wanted me...and knowing that there was someone out there who wanted me for who i was, inside and out, gave me hope. and that hope made me happy. but once he had what he wanted, it no longer served him; and so he decided that he didn't want me any longer.

tom wanted me, until i realized he wanted me because he was desperate...and then i found out he was psycho.

mike wanted to play with me. when he had his fill, i was cut off, over and over again.

my father told me at one point in an argument with him that i was the son he never wanted. i look at pictures of me as a baby and a toddler with my mom, and i don't see that joyous (or even happy) look of motherhood on her face. i see her just doing her job...making sure we survive, are healthy, and reasonably happy.

i remember i used to get so sad that i used to cry for hours. my thoughts and feelings then were "no one loves me". and it wasn't ever because i didn't get my way, or i didn't get that new toy... these thoughts and feelings came not from some action, but from inaction.

and so all these events in my life have brought me to texas. half of the family that i do talk to live here, and yet i feel more and more alone every day. my mom knew how shitty life was for me in jersey, no matter how hard i tried, no matter what i did or didn't do; but not once did she or my stepdad say "hey, come down here, get away from all that sickness, and start building your life." every time the shit hit the fan, or things got really rough, my aunt would tell me i just need to move down here...that this is the universe giving me signs. my cousin, and my best friend, repeatedly told me "ma'am, i'm'a need you to move down here already. just fuckin do it."

so here i what?

Monday, August 23, 2010

une petite 1

i get high and my mind starts to race... starts to piece thoughts and words together... then those thoughts and words become text on my blog. and i always wish i had a pen and paper to write these things down; but i never do. all these things that i would say to you if i could remember. but all i can think now is "why?", "where would we be now had i not left? would we be together? would we be happy?", and "would things have worked had you actually tried...and worked on things as a team?"

but part of me says i shouldn't care anymore. i'm tired of crying over you. then there's a big part of me wants to move on, find myself, and find my dream. and yet, the same part that wants to move on, wants to still try. why? because i always hope against hope. i always hope (heh, again) that this time my hoping will pay off...that what i'm hoping for will come to be. but no matter how things turn out, i'll never be able to forget you. not only have you shown me so many things that i never would have seen the rest of my life; but also because of how much i loved you.


i find myself starting to be resentful. resentful of sean, of texas, of other people who are close to me. and i'm falling (quickly) back into feeling like no one cares for or about me. now, i know that's untrue to a degree. but so many things happening all at once, and so many other things going wrong one after another after another...

i'm getting back to a place where i just want to escape. disappear. run. i am so tired of running; but i'm even more tired of fighting. for a while now i've been feeling that my soul is tired. it and i can persevere through anything (thus far), but each time takes it's toll more and more.


since i can't organize my thoughts anymore, i'm gonna cut this post short. keep your eyes tuned for part deux.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Livin Life, Doin Me

so much is going on right now. i grow more distant from sean every day, but still think about him with longing. he is (was?) such an awesome's weird that any of this played out the way it did. what i saw at the end, and even now, is totally different than the sean i fell in love with.

but each day that i travel further away from him is another day that i get closer to finding myself. i've made some really awesome friends here in texas...and some of them have deeper connections.

  • while i really like seth, there are buttons being pushed that i'm not sure i'm ready to be pushed. i'm not sure if there's the ability to keep things very casual, romantic, fun, intimate, without feeling like one of us is getting clingy, or needy, or wanting something more for right now. i'm also not sure if we can have the type of fun i'm wanting/needing right now either.
  • allen, on the other hand, has broadened some of my horizons (much like sean did), is interested in the type(s) of fun i'm wanting to have, and is very receptive to my self discovery. he knows my need of taking things slow while also keeping things interesting, but also pushes a...fear?...button of mine: he's experimented a lot more than i have. i'm afraid to get sucked into certain things, getting in over my head, falling through the rabbit hole.
BUT...i've kept an open mind about a few things. Marijane has unlocked some things inside myself, and allowed me to bring my mind to many different places...not to mention to just feel good. Little Sister came for a visit and boy was she fun! I wanna hang out with her a little more and really get a feel for her. Big Sister and Caps are wanting to visit, but I'm putting them off for now. 

anywho. that's been life. started my third week here in texas. some areas are getting hairy, other areas are getting ... hot... to say the least. 

Saturday, August 7, 2010

What I want want want is what you want want want...

So... It's been a while since I've posted anything. Partly because I feel lost...partly because I have everything to say but don't know what to say.

I'm trying to settle into life in TX, but it feels like I'm fighting my way up-stream. Nothing has gone right so far, sans getting picked up from the airport. Everyday feels like a reminder of what I lost and I find myself welling up with anger sometimes at the most random moments.

I miss him and our life so much, but part of the anger is that it was one-sided. I turned to him when I needed solace or answers, and kept being told everything's alright...when it really wasn't. Do I feel like I was strung along? Yes. Do I feel like I was lied to? In some respects, yes.

I have so many questions for him and yet I don't know how to express them. I am tired of unrequited love, but my heart still feels for him.

I want to know what I want; I want to know what I need; I want to know what I should do.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I just want to be....Happy

Love is patient; love is kind. 
It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. 
It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. 
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 
Love never fails.


song of the night: Happy, by Leona Lewis

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place.
I wanna hear my sound.
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy

Encore une Fois

i dont feel that i can embrace TX like i did WV. i see TX as the culmination of my failure, not a chance at a new beginning. WV was my new beginning; my fresh start; the life and love that i chose. TX was my backup plan....a plan for if and when i failed.

i'd give anything just to feel him hug me again. he never told me that everything will be alright, and i'm glad he didn't, because those words have never comforted me. this isn't alright...this is just something that i'm going to have to get used to no matter what. no matter how hard i fight, no matter how many shooting stars i wish upon, i feel disconnected when i think about living in TX.


i love you so much. i can honestly say that i love you more than you know. i know that my love is so strong it scares you, but you have felt it's glow, it's warm embrace, it's gentle caress, and it is there for anytime you need it. you never need ask for it, just simply remember it and you will feel it again.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

life changes faster than anyone can imagine. sometimes it leaves you empty and broken hearted, and sometimes it leaves you so happy you can burst. what happens when it leaves you both? 

what happens when you find yourself lost? how do you know you're lost? on the other hand, how do you know you've found yourself?

song of the night? why does my heart (feel so bad) by mobi

i still do, and will always, love you

just before i moved here, i was tired of worrying. i was tired of being angry. i was tired of the drama. and i was tired of fighting.

the 10 days i spent with you initially were amazing. i never fought, never worried, never feared, i wasn't angry, i wasn't stressed out.

i was happy.

and even through all the anxiety, fear, these last 3 weeks... i was happy for a minute here. i reconciled my anxieties, and accepted & loved the new life i chose. my life, with my man, in our home.

every reason i can think of is telling me to stay; and every other reason i can think of is telling me to go.

if you truly want us to be over; if there is no glimmer of hope anywhere; i will go.

there are very few reasons that could make me stay...

give me one reason to stay here, and i'll turn right back around.


how do i stop myself from crawling into bed next to him?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Gimme One Reason...

If you hadn't come and held me when you did, I wouldn't have been here by the time you got home from work the next day... I was preparing to leave, and wishing with every heart-string that you'd give me on reason to stay here.