You really think you're in control?

come on now, who do you... who do you, who do you, who do you think you are? HAHAHA! bless your soul. you really think you're in control?

i find it funny that people think i'm at their mercy. regardless of the situation, i am never stranded. i am never beat. i may be stuck for a hot second, but bay-bay: i can fend for myself. i have done it for years, and this just proves that i'm'a have to continue doing it for a while longer, too. i'm not there because i need you. i am there because i either want to be, or because i want you. 

now, i value our friendship very much. but this...back and forth bit?...it's gotta stop. you're older...yes. wiser...about some things. but for what it's worth, honey, i had to grow up on my own; i figured shit out on my own; found me on my own. we need to stop tryin each other.  

i get it that you've got a lot of stuff going on that you need to figure out. and i also know that there's going to be a lot of blame passed onto me. but you also need to realize that even after everything that's happened, i still had to continue living my life. part of living life is seeing/finding something/someone you want and going after it/them. please don't hold it against me because you're in a situation where you felt you couldn't do the same. each of us has to live our own life, make our own choices, and live with the outcome of those choices. 

_______________________________

And now, for your audial and visual pleasures...

Know that I must must pass this test

with the help of a not-so-strange-acquaintance over in dallas, i've come to realize something. something that shatters me to the core, but paves the way for me to rebuild.

and that is... that i have so rarely ever in my life felt wanted, that it's become the root-cause of my "problem" in this lifetime. and it's becoming more and more apparent the longer i'm in texas.

sean wanted me...and knowing that there was someone out there who wanted me for who i was, inside and out, gave me hope. and that hope made me happy. but once he had what he wanted, it no longer served him; and so he decided that he didn't want me any longer.

tom wanted me, until i realized he wanted me because he was desperate...and then i found out he was psycho.

mike wanted to play with me. when he had his fill, i was cut off, over and over again.

my father told me at one point in an argument with him that i was the son he never wanted. i look at pictures of me as a baby and a toddler with my mom, and i don't see that joyous (or even happy) look of motherhood on her face. i see her just doing her job...making sure we survive, are healthy, and reasonably happy.

i remember i used to get so sad that i used to cry for hours. my thoughts and feelings then were "no one loves me". and it wasn't ever because i didn't get my way, or i didn't get that new toy... these thoughts and feelings came not from some action, but from inaction.

and so all these events in my life have brought me to texas. half of the family that i do talk to live here, and yet i feel more and more alone every day. my mom knew how shitty life was for me in jersey, no matter how hard i tried, no matter what i did or didn't do; but not once did she or my stepdad say "hey, come down here, get away from all that sickness, and start building your life." every time the shit hit the fan, or things got really rough, my aunt would tell me i just need to move down here...that this is the universe giving me signs. my cousin, and my best friend, repeatedly told me "ma'am, i'm'a need you to move down here already. just fuckin do it."

so here i am...in texas...now what?

une petite crise...pt. 1

i get high and my mind starts to race... starts to piece thoughts and words together... then those thoughts and words become text on my blog. and i always wish i had a pen and paper to write these things down; but i never do. all these things that i would say to you if i could remember. but all i can think now is "why?", "where would we be now had i not left? would we be together? would we be happy?", and "would things have worked had you actually tried...and worked on things as a team?"

but part of me says i shouldn't care anymore. i'm tired of crying over you. then there's a big part of me wants to move on, find myself, and find my dream. and yet, the same part that wants to move on, wants to still try. why? because i always hope against hope. i always hope (heh, again) that this time my hoping will pay off...that what i'm hoping for will come to be. but no matter how things turn out, i'll never be able to forget you. not only have you shown me so many things that i never would have seen the rest of my life; but also because of how much i loved you.

______________________


i find myself starting to be resentful. resentful of sean, of texas, of other people who are close to me. and i'm falling (quickly) back into feeling like no one cares for or about me. now, i know that's untrue to a degree. but so many things happening all at once, and so many other things going wrong one after another after another...

i'm getting back to a place where i just want to escape. disappear. run. i am so tired of running; but i'm even more tired of fighting. for a while now i've been feeling that my soul is tired. it and i can persevere through anything (thus far), but each time takes it's toll more and more.

______________________


since i can't organize my thoughts anymore, i'm gonna cut this post short. keep your eyes tuned for part deux.

Livin Life, Doin Me

so much is going on right now. i grow more distant from sean every day, but still think about him with longing. he is (was?) such an awesome guy...it's weird that any of this played out the way it did. what i saw at the end, and even now, is totally different than the sean i fell in love with.

but each day that i travel further away from him is another day that i get closer to finding myself. i've made some really awesome friends here in texas...and some of them have deeper connections.

• while i really like seth, there are buttons being pushed that i'm not sure i'm ready to be pushed. i'm not sure if there's the ability to keep things very casual, romantic, fun, intimate, without feeling like one of us is getting clingy, or needy, or wanting something more for right now. i'm also not sure if we can have the type of fun i'm wanting/needing right now either.
• allen, on the other hand, has broadened some of my horizons (much like sean did), is interested in the type(s) of fun i'm wanting to have, and is very receptive to my self discovery. he knows my need of taking things slow while also keeping things interesting, but also pushes a...fear?...button of mine: he's experimented a lot more than i have. i'm afraid to get sucked into certain things, getting in over my head, falling through the rabbit hole.

BUT...i've kept an open mind about a few things. Marijane has unlocked some things inside myself, and allowed me to bring my mind to many different places...not to mention to just feel good. Little Sister came for a visit and boy was she fun! I wanna hang out with her a little more and really get a feel for her. Big Sister and Caps are wanting to visit, but I'm putting them off for now. 

anywho. that's been life. started my third week here in texas. some areas are getting hairy, other areas are getting ... hot... to say the least. 

What I want want want is what you want want want...

So... It's been a while since I've posted anything. Partly because I feel lost...partly because I have everything to say but don't know what to say.

I'm trying to settle into life in TX, but it feels like I'm fighting my way up-stream. Nothing has gone right so far, sans getting picked up from the airport. Everyday feels like a reminder of what I lost and I find myself welling up with anger sometimes at the most random moments.

I miss him and our life so much, but part of the anger is that it was one-sided. I turned to him when I needed solace or answers, and kept being told everything's alright...when it really wasn't. Do I feel like I was strung along? Yes. Do I feel like I was lied to? In some respects, yes.

I have so many questions for him and yet I don't know how to express them. I am tired of unrequited love, but my heart still feels for him.

I want to know what I want; I want to know what I need; I want to know what I should do.