Tuesday, September 14, 2010

has my time come?

i feel totally and utterly betrayed. last night i started to think maybe there really might have been something... however, not long after thinking it, i was given proof that there really isn't.

i feel like such a fucking idiot anymore. i feel like all i do is waste my time trying. again, i am reminded that after all the effort i make in trying to put humpty together again, it leaves me nowhere but alone and exhausted.

the energy i've put into helping to build you up...showing you how much you really do have to offer, and that i'm not out to fuck you over like everyone else you've ever met, you start getting close to me...you start hinting with me at some of the things i want... and then you let some random stranger go where you tell me no one ever goes!? that is the BIGGEST slap in the fucking face.

should i try to be my usual understanding self because...what, you were drunk? how does that all of a sudden make you less responsible for your actions? am i one of the very few people who, while sober or drunk especially, still adheres to a method of conduct that is becoming of a human being? i choose my words more carefully... i process my thoughts a little more slowly before i open my mouth. i think further ahead with my anticipated actions than i normally would. why? because "sorry, i was drunk/high" is not an acceptable excuse!

when will it be my turn to have someone invest as much into me as i will for them? will it be when i'm old and decrepit? will it be when i'm too jaded and bitter to enjoy it? every sign is flashing, telling me to stop. stop doing what i do best... can you give me one reason why i should continue on doing it?

do i expect too much in thinking i should be treated like a king in return for making the man i'm with mine? alls i got to say is, the man i truly give myself to again, body, mind, soul, and future, will be a very happy, and a very lucky man.

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