Monday, September 6, 2010

Pa pa pa pa poker face pa pa pokerface.

i feel alone tonight. not because i'm actually alone (well, the kids are sleeping in their momm'as room, momma's out right now)...

a friend of mine started helping me work through some things just recently. i was surprised at how forthcoming i was with certain information; and also at how much i learned about myself in just that instant. i had finally verbalized and saw everything that happened recently and in the past few years, all at once. laid out. chronologically. it's a wonder that i haven't succumbed by now.

he was amazed by certain things... he can see energy just like the rest of us can see our hands as we type on the keyboard in front of the rest of us can read the text we're typing on the screen. it's there. he see's where it comes from and where it's going. he saw that 2 of my 3 major centers were damn near shut down. and that the last of the main centers was overcompensating. what amazed him was how i was able to still function. how i was able to open up, smile, laugh, be the life of the party when i want/need to be. how i'm able to even hold myself together. and and that right there opened me up to a lot of new information.

i also realized one thing. i am tired of being the one to put everyone else back together. i am in a thousand different pieces (and have been for a long time), but as soon as someone's around, i pull myself together and harness unfathomable energy in order to 1. keep on keeping on, and 2. make it so that you can't see through my that you can't read my pokerface. i have said it a million times over again that no one will ever truly know me...and that's because i make it so.

instead of investing in myself, loving (hell, even liking) myself, i am always finding these broken spirits, the shattered hearts, the hurt puppies, and putting them together. they're humpty dumpty and i'm the king's men. part of me validates my life by thinking/feeling/knowing that "in lieu all the shit i've ever been through, i've made it through it all and learned enough to be able to help another." with that thought, immediately, all of my suffering is justified. they, in turn, fall for me a little bit and stick around long enough until they're put back together, can hold themselves together on their own, and can function...then they leave and i'm then left to pick up my pieces again.

but now it's time to fix myself. to really allow my true inner self to shine forth and live. i have so - much living to do. and while i started doing just that when i first moved here, i got a little distracted along the way. it's time to find my light...the light i lost a long time ago.

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