with the help of a not-so-strange-acquaintance over in dallas, i've come to realize something. something that shatters me to the core, but paves the way for me to rebuild.
and that is... that i have so rarely ever in my life felt wanted, that it's become the root-cause of my "problem" in this lifetime. and it's becoming more and more apparent the longer i'm in texas.
sean wanted me...and knowing that there was someone out there who wanted me for who i was, inside and out, gave me hope. and that hope made me happy. but once he had what he wanted, it no longer served him; and so he decided that he didn't want me any longer.
tom wanted me, until i realized he wanted me because he was desperate...and then i found out he was psycho.
mike wanted to play with me. when he had his fill, i was cut off, over and over again.
my father told me at one point in an argument with him that i was the son he never wanted. i look at pictures of me as a baby and a toddler with my mom, and i don't see that joyous (or even happy) look of motherhood on her face. i see her just doing her job...making sure we survive, are healthy, and reasonably happy.
i remember i used to get so sad that i used to cry for hours. my thoughts and feelings then were "no one loves me". and it wasn't ever because i didn't get my way, or i didn't get that new toy... these thoughts and feelings came not from some action, but from inaction.
and so all these events in my life have brought me to texas. half of the family that i do talk to live here, and yet i feel more and more alone every day. my mom knew how shitty life was for me in jersey, no matter how hard i tried, no matter what i did or didn't do; but not once did she or my stepdad say "hey, come down here, get away from all that sickness, and start building your life." every time the shit hit the fan, or things got really rough, my aunt would tell me i just need to move down here...that this is the universe giving me signs. my cousin, and my best friend, repeatedly told me "ma'am, i'm'a need you to move down here already. just fuckin do it."
so here i am...in texas...now what?