Sunday, August 15, 2010

Livin Life, Doin Me

so much is going on right now. i grow more distant from sean every day, but still think about him with longing. he is (was?) such an awesome's weird that any of this played out the way it did. what i saw at the end, and even now, is totally different than the sean i fell in love with.

but each day that i travel further away from him is another day that i get closer to finding myself. i've made some really awesome friends here in texas...and some of them have deeper connections.

  • while i really like seth, there are buttons being pushed that i'm not sure i'm ready to be pushed. i'm not sure if there's the ability to keep things very casual, romantic, fun, intimate, without feeling like one of us is getting clingy, or needy, or wanting something more for right now. i'm also not sure if we can have the type of fun i'm wanting/needing right now either.
  • allen, on the other hand, has broadened some of my horizons (much like sean did), is interested in the type(s) of fun i'm wanting to have, and is very receptive to my self discovery. he knows my need of taking things slow while also keeping things interesting, but also pushes a...fear?...button of mine: he's experimented a lot more than i have. i'm afraid to get sucked into certain things, getting in over my head, falling through the rabbit hole.
BUT...i've kept an open mind about a few things. Marijane has unlocked some things inside myself, and allowed me to bring my mind to many different places...not to mention to just feel good. Little Sister came for a visit and boy was she fun! I wanna hang out with her a little more and really get a feel for her. Big Sister and Caps are wanting to visit, but I'm putting them off for now. 

anywho. that's been life. started my third week here in texas. some areas are getting hairy, other areas are getting ... hot... to say the least. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad for you growing honey. The problem lay in your not wanting to discuss your true feelings with Seth. If you're so set that it's not going to work out then you owe it to both of you to talk it out. it may be that he's feeling the same.