i get high and my mind starts to race... starts to piece thoughts and words together... then those thoughts and words become text on my blog. and i always wish i had a pen and paper to write these things down; but i never do. all these things that i would say to you if i could remember. but all i can think now is "why?", "where would we be now had i not left? would we be together? would we be happy?", and "would things have worked had you actually tried...and worked on things as a team?"
but part of me says i shouldn't care anymore. i'm tired of crying over you. then there's a big part of me wants to move on, find myself, and find my dream. and yet, the same part that wants to move on, wants to still try. why? because i always hope against hope. i always hope (heh, again) that this time my hoping will pay off...that what i'm hoping for will come to be. but no matter how things turn out, i'll never be able to forget you. not only have you shown me so many things that i never would have seen the rest of my life; but also because of how much i loved you.
i find myself starting to be resentful. resentful of sean, of texas, of other people who are close to me. and i'm falling (quickly) back into feeling like no one cares for or about me. now, i know that's untrue to a degree. but so many things happening all at once, and so many other things going wrong one after another after another...
i'm getting back to a place where i just want to escape. disappear. run. i am so tired of running; but i'm even more tired of fighting. for a while now i've been feeling that my soul is tired. it and i can persevere through anything (thus far), but each time takes it's toll more and more.
since i can't organize my thoughts anymore, i'm gonna cut this post short. keep your eyes tuned for part deux.